The Aftermath
by Sumiregusa
Summary: "My eyes stung painfully, both from the tears I shed, and the horrific sight that lay before them." Repost. Short little one-shot, set in the blind spot of the manga directly after Enishi's "true" Jinchu is discovered in the Dojo. Canon character death... sorta.


My eyes stung painfully, both from the tears I shed, and the horrific sight that lay before them. If I could ever have done something good in this world, if I could ever have found a way to repent, a way to live as near normality as everyone else, it was now as dead as the woman before me. She had been my hope for the future. She had been the light, the laughter and the peace that filled my days since our fateful encounter all those months ago. She had treated me as no other ever had; as a friend. As a _person._ She had never pushed, never demanded anything of me. She had simply asked for my company, and that alone had touched me deeper than anyone would ever know. For that and for all that she was, I loved her.

Now she was dead. Everywhere hurt, but I wanted it to hurt more. I wanted the pain to stop, but I wanted to be punished for the travesty I had caused. I wanted my laboured breathing to cease. I wanted my breaking heart to stop, just as hers had. I wanted my torn, empty soul to leave this place of death and torment, so that it might find hers and offer comfort wherever she was going.

I know not if I smiled then, my body hardly even a part of me, but the fleeting thought of a smile, a twisted, sadistic smile passed through my blurred mind as I realised that where she was going, I would never be admitted. Such a soul as Kaoru's did not belong with mine, in life _or_ death. I had been blessed to have known her, to have shared her innocent wonder at the world, to be shown her love and forgiveness of all who came near her. Her understanding, her compassion and kindness. Her laughter and her simple pleasure. I had been shown something so beautiful and rare, and I had been given the chance to protect that treasure. I had failed.

In the back of my mind, my grief-dulled senses heard the sound of anguish echoing around the Dojo. The sound sharpened, even as my vision returned from white shock to the dusty floorboards, splattered with my blood and tears. The sound was loud now, the stricken bellows of a heart in torment, and I realised at last that it was coming from me.

I did not want to move, did not want to live in this moment, but somehow, my limbs pushed me upright. I was unsteady, and I know not where I found the strength, but amid the haze of pain and horror, I was standing before her. Her eyes, bright and blue and brimming with emotion the last time I had seen her were now hollow and unseeing. A flicker of remembrance brought Tomoe's dead face to my thoughts, and it pained me more. She had at least looked at peace, a faint, satisfied smile curving her lips, but Kaoru... poor, sweet Kaoru who had never missed an opportunity to laugh had an expression of defeat and shock. I knew then that she had fought hard to stay alive, that she had feared death and had believed, as I had, that I would be able to get to her in time.

Guilt, raw and unyielding, drained the last vestiges of my strength, and once again I sank to my knees before her. In a daze, I reached out a shaking hand to her marred cheek and as her blood caressed my fingers, I morbidly wondered if she had been alive for that.

My own mind broke me in two with that thought, and with a violent scream of rage, I dislodged Enishi's blade from her chest. Throwing the hideous thing heedlessly behind me to join my own weapon, my chaotic reason vaguely registered Sano and Megumi cry out behind me, either in shock, pain or disgust, I know not which. All that mattered was that she fell towards me now, and I caught her, holding her quickly cooling body to myself as I sobbed her name over and over.

She lay limp in my arms as I rocked her back and forth, and I knew I had no right to touch her but could not restrain myself. I held her then as I had always wished to while she was alive, my need to keep distance between us and my fear of rejection now no longer relevant. I would be damned for this, but nothing could be more of a punishment than her death. No pain could rival what I felt in that moment. No retribution would ever be severe enough.

Kaoru was dead, and it was because of me.

I must have blacked out then, for when I came to, I was in my room. For a fleeting moment I wondered if it had all been another of my horrific nightmares, but the faint, mingled perfume of blood and jasmine on my clothes belied this last desperate hope. Numb in every sense of the word, I sat up and blandly noted that some of my wounds had been cleaned, but not dressed. Judging from the partially open Shoji and the carefully laid out dressing and medicine, Megumi must have been called away only moments before.

I did not care. I wished that they had left me with Kaoru and let me bleed to death. I felt hollow inside, as though the space in my heart and my life that she had occupied was now nothing more than a bleak void. I knew that there was no place for me by her side in the afterlife, but I knew that there was no place for me here, either. I had lived a life devoid of love and laughter before we had met, but now knowing what it was I would be missing, I knew I could not do it again.

Senseless to the physical pain, I stood from my futon, and more out of habit that anything, picked up my Sakabato and slid it into its customary place at my hip. I could have left it behind, but it never occurred to me to do so. All I knew was that I had to leave this place. I could not face it, nor those that had lived here together with us. I could not face anything.

As I went to leave the room, I saw the bright blue ribbon she had given me when I fought Jin'eh, stained faintly with my own blood. Tears that I had believed spent flowed silently from my eyes as I picked up the material and brought it carefully to my lips, breathing in a shuddering lungful of jasmine scented air. She was gone. She was gone, and I wanted to go with her.

Tucking the ribbon under my torn and bloody clothes so it rested over my broken heart, I slipped quietly away, looking for death.

~End.


End file.
